A Realistic Guide To Handling Your Negative Self-Talk
So here’s the thing about overcoming negative self-talk. Many people are primed to expect personal development and working on our mental hygiene to require an impossible amount of ‘sugar-coated positivity.’ This is just the message we’ve picked up from the media’s depiction of coaching and motivation, and society’s natural tendency towards skepticism.
Think about Tom Cruise’s character in the film Magnolia – that’s the perfect portrayal of the cartoon-like personal development guru that society is wary of. This in turn has led to us overlooking much of the personal development world, the good and the bad, and what training our minds to think better can really do for us.
One key thought pattern that we absolutely can improve – without Tom Cruise shouting at us – is the common pattern of negative self-talk.
Almost all of us grow up with a negative voice developing in our heads. When we understand where it comes from, this makes it so much simpler to unlearn and move on from. And moving on from negative self-talk leads to a host of worthwhile changes, from improved self-confidence to better decision-making.
So let’s start at the beginning…
Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From?
Do you know that little voice in your head – the one that visits you when you feel a bit vulnerable, and that sounds suspiciously like your mean Aunt Violet? That voice is actually yours.
It’s your internal defense mechanism. Its aim is to keep you safe from the dangers of the external world by telling you to not reach for the stars, to not apply for that job overseas, to not go on that date, and to not speak up in the board meeting.
By limiting you, it seeks to save you from hurt, pride, hurt feelings, or physical harm. Sounds like a good idea? Here’s why it’s not so great.
This internal warning system doesn’t reflect the reality of your world and doesn’t take into account how grown up and resourceful you are now. This is because it developed in your formative years of childhood, and hasn’t matured in the same way you have.
All this, by the way, is completely normal.
If the voice you hear does happen to sound like a mean relative, then it may well have something to do with the messages you heard from them growing up.
“Who do you think you are?”
“Don’t rock the boat.”
“You will never be a success / be wealthy / be famous…”
We internalize these messages, and over time they become our ‘truths’. So as adults, when we are presented with opportunities, the negative self-talk turns against us. We believe that we are not good enough for the job we are being offered – also known as ‘imposter syndrome’. We get horribly nervous before dates, job interviews, or doing anything outside of our comfort zone; not just because trying something new is scary, but also because we don’t fully trust our own capabilities.
But fear not – this is not the end of the story.
Now if you think again of that character Tom Cruise played in Magnolia, or the other ideas society has about personal development, you might be worried that this is the point where I start shouting at you to “embrace your power”, or something equally intangible.
I am not about to do that!
There is actually a very simple, tangible, and realistic way to handle your negative self-talk and feel more confident in your own abilities.
Seek Evidence & Repeat Your New Belief
This is really a two-step process:
Step 1 | CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK BY LOOKING AT THE EVIDENCE
For example, let’s say the negative belief you are currently battling with is the idea that you are an imposter in your job, not really up to the role.
This idea has most likely grown from something in your childhood, which you can give a little thought to if you choose, but it’s best not to dwell in your past. In the coaching world, we talk about giving a ‘nod of acknowledgment’ to a clients’ past while focusing on the clients’ future. I think this is helpful for you to keep in mind.
So if you have a belief that you aren’t up to your job, then the realistic way to handle it is to start by gathering all the evidence you have that you actually are good at your job. Consider not just your academic qualifications, but all the life experience that has helped you grow into your role. Think about the times that, via your role, you have truly helped people and made a difference.
And no, don’t think about that one time when you screwed something up. We all make mistakes, but we really should focus on the good that we do the majority of the time. Instead of listening to our ‘inner-critic’ we should focus on our ‘inner-guidance’:
STEP TWO | KEEP FOCUSING ON EVIDENCE THAT DISPROVES WHATEVER YOUR NEGATIVE BELIEF IS
When I say to keep focusing on this evidence, I recommend doing this every time that you notice your negative belief rising up. Learning, or relearning in this case, is all about repetition. The more you can repeat your evidence and your new positive belief to yourself, the better your chance that the negative self-talk will stop over time.
To Wrap Up
When you understand that negative self-talk is normal, everybody experiences it, but that it doesn’t serve you, it is easy to start the process of letting it go. Speak to yourself as you would speak to someone you love, like when you give advice to a family member or best friend! Sure, we cannot control the thoughts we have - but we can control how much weight we put on which thought. By putting these habits in place you can start to filter thoughts that aren’t serving you and be on your way to a happier ‘you’. :)
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