Never Split The Difference
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
Author: Chris Voss & Tahl Raz
My Rating: 9.5/10
Length: 293 Pages
Description
A former international hostage negotiator for the FBI offers a new, field-tested approach to high-stakes negotiations—whether in the boardroom or at home.
After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the FBI, where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank robbers, gang leaders, and terrorists. Never Split the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most - when people's lives were at stake.
Rooted in the real-life experiences of an intelligence professional at the top of his game, Never Split the Difference will give you the competitive edge in any discussion.
The Book In 3 Sentences
Negotiation begins with listening. Making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.
"No" is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning. It's a crucial word that should be used strategically to create safety, understanding, and eventually agreement.
Every negotiation is a quest to discover the counterpart's fears and desires. Uncover these hidden drivers, and you can influence the negotiation outcome.
Who Should Read It?
Never Split the Difference is the most important book I have ever read about negotiating or communicating in general. It's not about manipulating people, it's about helping both parties come to the best conclusion and the best outcome.
However, for the situation where you need to win it all, the things you learn in Never Split the Difference will help with that, too. I've used these tactics in my coaching practice, with friends and family, to get reservations at exclusive places, even to get upgraded to premium economy while flying — for FREE! (I know, not 1st class but still a win)
Anyone interested in improving their negotiation skills should read this book. Whether you're a salesperson, a business owner, or just someone who wants to be more persuasive in your daily interactions, this book provides valuable insights. Voss's experiences from the field of hostage negotiation create a unique perspective on the subject, making this a must-read for anyone who wants to become a better negotiator.
How The Book Changed Me
I don’t remember how I came across Never Split the Difference, but man, am I glad I did! The book exposed me to a whole different way of negotiating, questioning the rational toolkit I’d been given in school and replacing it with a more human set of tools. This set is based on psychology and an understanding of normal human emotions.
It builds on empathy and active listening skills, layers on ways to label emotions, and ask open-ended calibrated questions. It includes polite ways to say “no” without offending the other party. Most importantly, it builds a framework that lets you deeply understand what the other party needs, wants, and desires and work with them to achieve an outcome where you meet your goals.
Before reading Never Split the Difference, I believed that negotiation was about compromise and finding a middle ground, but Voss's book taught me that understanding and influencing the other party's emotions can often lead to better results than simple compromise.
It's a reminder that successful negotiation is about more than just what's on the table; it's about understanding the person on the other side of the table. Negotiation, in the broadest sense, as described above, is something I want to become an expert in — because I now understand that every conversation is a negotiation.
My Rating
I gave Never Split the Difference a 9.5/10 because the book is a fascinating look at negotiation from a fresh perspective.
It provides practical, actionable advice that can be applied in a variety of situations. And even as someone who has read Influence, and other books on persuasion, this one is probably the best one yet.
And it isn’t boring to read! The storytelling is engaging, and the lessons drawn from the author's experience as an FBI negotiator are both exciting and educational.
My Top 3 Quotes
"He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation."
“Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.”
“The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.”
Best Big Ideas
Please Note: The following is a collection of highlights taken straight from the book and online resources. Most of them are direct quotes. Some are paraphrases. Very few are my own words.
Embracing Empathy
The book highlights the importance of empathy in successful negotiations. This doesn't only involve understanding the other party's perspective, but actively acknowledging their emotions and using this understanding to guide the negotiation process.
The Power of "No"
Voss argues that the word "no" is not a barrier, but an opportunity in negotiations. It gives the other party a sense of control and can open up new avenues for agreement.
The Mirroring Technique
Repeating back the last few words of your counterpart's statements encourages them to expand on their ideas and provides you with more information. It's a simple but powerful tool to encourage deeper communication.
The Ackerman Model
This step-by-step bargaining strategy helps negotiate on price effectively. By methodically determining your offers and how to adjust them, you can navigate towards your target price in a structured way.
Importance of Tone and Body Language
The way you communicate, including your tone and body language, significantly impacts your negotiation outcomes. A positive, friendly tone and being aware of non-verbal cues can create a conducive environment for negotiation.
The "Late Night FM DJ Voice"
Voss suggests using a calm and soothing voice to instill a sense of calm and assertiveness in negotiations. This approach can help to reduce tension and encourage more cooperative communication.
Labeling
This technique involves identifying and verbalizing the other party's emotions and fears. By "labeling" their feelings, you demonstrate understanding and empathy, which can help to build trust and facilitate more productive discussions.
Bend Their Reality
Never Split the Difference suggests using deadlines, offers, and empathy to shape your counterpart's perception of reality. This technique can help you to exert more influence over the negotiation process and guide it towards a favorable outcome.
Open-Ended Calibrated Questions
Voss emphasizes the use of open-ended questions that begin with "how" or "what" in order to draw out more information from the other party. These questions not only provide you with valuable insights but also give your counterpart a sense of control, fostering a collaborative negotiation environment.
Black Swans
These are the unknown unknowns of negotiation - the things that neither party is aware of. Uncovering these can lead to breakthroughs and help both parties to find new areas of agreement.
